In the last quarter of 2019 everyone was saying how 2020 would be the year of vision and clarity. Well… what say you? Has it been a year of vision and clarity? Are you kidding me? Of course, not! This year took a deep ocean dive to the Mariana Trench of misery and grief. A bit too dramatic? Maybe. But the truth is, when I look at all that has gone on in the world around me, all I can see is the world as a figurative, plummeting Jacques Piccard, and the darkness it faces as the Challenger Deep. Many of my friends experienced a grief that I cannot possibly understand. It was, and may still be, a year of utter devastation that has rattled us deep within. We are in the last quarter of the year! Yippee Ki Yay! I mean “Hey 2020, there’s the door and don’t let it hit you on the way out”! I mean, we have had enough drama in our lives right?!
And yet… for me it has been a good year. It’s been a hard year. One of the hardest I have faced in 15 years. Yet, it’s still been a good one. There is so much going on around us. Like, I don’t know… maybe the pandemic, disturbing headlines that made you want to cry for days even weeks, political agendas and whatnot. Everyone has been affected in some way and it caused anxiety and fear. Todd and I decided we would do something about it. We went live on Facebook with upbeat cheerful music and danced (this was huge for Todd!); and we had prayer with communion with anyone that wanted to participate. Then… God started calling me into the deep end of the pool. Okay, let’s be honest, He had probably been calling me for years but for some reason, I wasn’t listening. In all fairness, it could be because I’m short and I have a certain roundness that allows me to float… so there’s that, but once it gets past the 5’ mark I’m depending on the buoyancy of the ample roundness to keep my head above water. So when He starts calling me out… I’m all about the “I’m not so sure about this”… I start holding my nose, I want goggles… I want all the things. Anyone have any floaties laying around?
So now I’m in the deep end… it’s dark and murky, you know someone really needs to clean this pool. Where are those goggles? Why didn’t anyone use chlorine? I have all the questions with no answers. Have you never felt that way? Great! It’s so good not to be alone. Treading water is a great workout but it’s tiring!! Did I mention I’m well-upholstered? I’m out of shape? Yes, not just physically tho… I needed to get in shape spiritually as well.
So this murky dirty pool is really all about the test. You do know that you have to pass a test to get the testimony, right? I abhor tests and 2020 has been a hard one. It says in Psalms that deep calls out to deep. And every time I hear that phrase, my soul longs to sit with Him and soak in His spirit. It’s the deep things of God calling out to the deep things of man or woman, cause, you know, I’m a girl. He has called me into this deep end of the pool to teach me to swim. He is reaching into the very depths of my soul and calling me to go deeper with Him. The deep calling out to deep is teaching me to depend solely and completely on Him. He is taking me to another level where I do not care what others think… I have written about this before because it has been a struggle. And during this time, some triggers have taken my eyes off of Him. The difference is when something does trigger me, I just do the dead man’s float (my favorite thing to do in the pool), then flip myself over and all is okay. His calling me into the deep is teaching me to respond to the triggers differently. A few days ago something happened and I just let it go… A friend texted me out of the blue asking if I was okay. My response was truth… Not currently but I will be. In reality, I was doing the dead man’s float, listening to Him so I could turn over or start swimming. This is a test I don’t want to take again and again. You heard of the Israelites being stuck in the desert for 40 years… That’s a hard pass for me. So it’s time this swimming in the deep end of the pool was a success.
After many tries, and many lessons, the water is becoming clearer. I’m able to swim. I’m able to go all the way to the bottom of the pool and bounce back up. I no longer need goggles or floaties. The direction is clear and I have 20/20 vision and clarity.
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