You’re two separate and unique individuals. Yet, through your marriage, you and your spouse can become one with each other. The more you embrace the mystery of two becoming one, the more you’ll each grow stronger as people and closer to God.
Here’s how you can become one with your spouse:
Marry Christ first. Each of you must be wedded to Jesus Christ – through a relationship with Him as your Lord and Savior – before you can be truly faithful to each other in marriage. Invite Christ to take His rightful place as the leader of your marriage.
1. Investing in your spouse
It should be God first, spouse second, children, work, ministry – anything less than this is not everyone in the correct biblical position and will cause heartache to the spouse
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21
2. Laying down your need to be right
In our quest for being right, we stop listening to what our spouse is saying – we don’t even try to understand what they are saying. We engage our pride and we are certain that we are “right.” And that’s all that matters. But, at what cost does being right have in a marriage? Next time you are in a disagreement with your spouse, decide to surrender your need to be right, in an effort to both hear and understand your spouse’s perspective. Consider the choice of righteousness over being right! “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10
3. Letting go of the past
Beginning a conversation with “I remember when you…” demonstrates a harsh start-up in your communication with your spouse. You cannot continue to bring up the things that were done… especially things you have worked through… Where is God’s mercy, love, and grace… If you want your spouse to continue to grow, you cannot hold them back by bringing up the past. AND you cannot keep talking about old boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. especially when you have been married for a while. To continue to bring up that person makes it seem you would rather be with them than the man/woman you chose to marry. If they didn’t have that much power/control over you and you didn’t care so much – why are you bringing them up? “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past.” Isaiah 43:18
4. Not forgetting your own needs
Contributing to and connecting with your spouse means also having an awareness of who you are and what your own needs are. When we lose touch of who we are as an individual, it can be difficult to identify who you are in the context of a marriage. It is healthy to have your own thoughts and opinions. It is healthy to have interests that are outside of your home and marriage. In fact, delving into your own interests can make your marriage healthy and whole. How can this be? As you discover more of who and what your interests are, this builds an internal grounding, confidence, and self-awareness, which you can then bring into your marriage. A caveat is to be sure that these interests do not take precedence over your marriage. “…whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31
5. Setting goals together
Consider the age-old adage that “couples who pray together stay together.” Likewise, couples that set goals together, also achieve together. Schedule a time where you and your spouse can sit down and talk about what the future holds for you both. What are some dreams that you would like to accomplish in the next 1, 2, or 5 years? What sort of lifestyle do you want to have when you retire together? It is just as important to regularly review the goals you’ve set with your spouse as well, to assess and discuss the journey along the way, as well as modifications that need to be made as you progress into the future. It is important not to say things like – this is my car, I pay for it, - you are one… you are both responsible for the home, vehicles, children, pets, and finances. It is really difficult to become one if you cannot even share a checking account. The need to state “me, my, mine, I” and keep your funds separate, means you are not really committed to the relationship. (there can be some reasons to justify this but most are not valid).
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Work together as a head and a body. The husband is the head, and the wife is the body, but both are equally important. Understanding that you’re both “one flesh” helps you to see that what affects one of you affects the other. When the husband loves his wife and sacrifices for her, he is benefitting himself as well, because she is a part of him. When the wife respects her husband and submits to him, she is benefitting herself as well, because he is a part of her. This biblical model of marriage shows what Christ’s relationship to the church looks like.
Answer the wife’s call to submit. If you’re a wife, submit to your husband by choosing to support his decisions after giving your input – as a way of expressing your love to both God and your husband. If you are discussing this with him and he is not lording over you, the biblical standard set forth in Ephesians is setup just as Christ is with the church.
Lift each other higher. Avoid power struggles by focusing on what you can do for your spouse instead of on what you want your spouse to do for you. Aim to love your spouse, each day, the best you can, rather than dwelling on how you hope your spouse will love you. In the process, your efforts will inspire and motivate your spouse to love you, and each of you will keep rising higher in your relationship – closer to God.
Define your expectations wisely. The tension between the two of you is often caused when either you or your spouse bring selfish expectations to your relationship and those expectations don’t get met. Ask God to give you the humility you need to admit that some of your expectations are selfish. Pray for the ability to trust God more so you can anchor your expectations in your hope in Christ.
Instead of trying to control your spouse to get what you want, pray for the Holy Spirit to bring about true transformation in his or her life. Let go of unreasonable expectations and focus on what God wants for your spouse – and for your marriage – instead of your own agenda. Accept reality while clinging to God’s promises. The more you and your spouse can adjust your expectations, the more you can live as one in Christ.
Participate in the Christian community. Connect with other people who are connected to Christ by becoming active in a local church and building meaningful friendships with other believers there. It’s much easier to break destructive patterns in your marriage with the help of other Christians than it is just working on the problems yourselves in isolation. Don’t live in secret; be willing to open up your lives to others you trust. Ask God to give you the courage to confess your sins and struggles to Him and others who can help you overcome them. As you make progress, the transformation in your lives will inspire others to pursue the healing they need in their own marriages.
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