A few weeks ago I informed Todd that I would no longer work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, well technically I told him I would “work from home”, tomayto, tomahto… But the nice part is that I get to see my friends again. It’s like I get to go play on the playground and have recess again! Today while at recess, my friends and I were sharing all the things. At least what we had time to share. Funny enough, all 3 of us were facing some of the same tough situations. Since we were sharing, I told them about my morning convo with my honey… He and I were actually discussing the office… I mean, I was working from home after all, insert eye roll here. He was not talking to me the way I felt he should. Maybe it was just my perception because his perception was that he didn’t see it. I told him what was happening and even said “goodbye”, probably in the same tone he was using on me, but whatevs… I hung up. He thought I hung up on him. I often say the kids today will never know how good it felt to slam down the phone on someone when you were irritated but I digress. This is where I usually text him about all the things because I am irritated and He needs to know about it. He responded with an apology and explanation of how he didn’t see it. Apologies all around and now all is well. When I said this to them, D replied “but I can’t see this happening with y’all. Y’all seem to have the perfect marriage”. And we laughed and we laughed. Because no, we don’t. Our biggest mission with What Really Matters relationship ministry is to share what goes on in our life so you can see our faults, we want you to understand that NOT ONE RELATIONSHIP is perfect. The perfect ones may have more problems than you can even imagine. And we hope to not come across as perfect… Jesus is the only perfect one.
Perception is a real problem in marriages. The other night a friend shared something that her parents shared with her before she got married and it made so much sense… wished I had heard this a long time ago. When you get married, 6 people are getting married. When Todd and I married, the six people were The Michelle I thought I was, The Michelle Todd thought I was, and the real Michelle. The same for Todd. Over the years I realized I had no idea who I was because I was a wife and mom and, I lost myself. I began depending on him to tell me how I felt. This was madness really but it was where I was. We aren’t using this blog to discuss all of my crazy from those times but it was warranted that I asked him all the time about who I was and how I should feel. At the same time, he was busy working all the time (sometimes to avoid the cray cray) and I was completely overwhelmed with life. I mean, now at this point we were creating an unhealthy emotional dependence. My self-worth was becoming far too tied into the words he said, the actions he took, and the attention he gave me. Now hear me… my love language is words of affirmation and touch – top 2… that’s not changed in 20 years so he better keep holding my hand and saying all the sweet nothings… Somewhere along the way while God was growing me I became a wise mushroom and began to grow in Him and releasing some of the responsibility I placed on my honey so he didn’t have to have that burden. The weight he was carrying from that had to be heavy… he wasn’t made for that. His blue and my pink were not making purple.
No one tells you the hardest part of having kids is that they grow up. I know. You are wondering when I’m gonna stop talking about how hard it was for me when the kids grew up… that’s gonna be a never. Cause even though I’m okay with it now… I wasn’t. It was hard. Because in the act of hanging on and letting go… I wasn’t a mom and I wasn't me. Now what? While driving down different avenues to search for myself, God used a little makeup company to begin growing confidence in me. Then He started growing me more once I was working full time for Todd and Tom. The next step after that was starting a relationship ministry. Now, He is transitioning me into the next season. During this process, I am learning to be assertive, thus the phone call/hang up from this morning… Pretty sure that wasn’t the right way to be assertive but you win some, you lose some. For the most part, I can go to him and tell him exactly how I feel in a very calm and cool manner. And some days he just doesn’t care… Some days he isn’t gonna hear me. Other days though, he is and we have a breakthrough. We all have to understand that some days we need a do over but I don’t want a do over, I want to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow. On the days that our blue and pink do not make purple it can be a bit frustrating. “what in the world are you listening to? That’s NOT what I said” is a statement said often. You too? Great. I was hoping so. Or we ARE saying the same thing but he speaks blue and I speak pink… This is where perception comes in. I see it my way. He sees it his way. And somewhere in the middle is reality. What to do?
So this new area… it feels good to be growing into someone I like and respect. In doing this, I have to keep in mind it is a whole new world for him. For the most part I’ve been doing that pretty well… minus the phone call from this morning mind you. It’s been a hard few months in our home with all the change. Todd has been in a real quandary… because even though he is happy that I am growing and becoming independent, speaking my mind a little more often, asking for things… becoming a little more selfish than I have been; he is also tentatively wondering where that will leave him. I mean I made my bed… I spoiled that man. I do not have any regrets. He can be assured that I will continue to spoil him but it may be on my terms. One of the things that just burns my biscuits is that the perception of others around us is that I am the one in control of our relationship, our life, etc.. Not true. So the fact that I am being a little more vocal is an adjustment for Todd. He thinks this is hilarious by the way. He loves being perceived as the quiet, giving one. Smell those biscuits burning?!
So while we are adjusting we are learning new ways to blend our blue and pink to make purple. It will require new ways to communicate. New ways to give to each other. New ways to pray for each other. And you know how much I love purple so I got this!
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