When someone says “to be assertive”, what is your initial thought? Someone that is a bully, dominant, pushy, overbearing, OR confident, decisive, self-assured? For this shy introvert, (you can stop laughing now because this is way more me than what most of you realize) the thought of being assertive was not in me. For me, it meant I would have to be mean. Ugh! What if I upset someone? What if they don’t like me? The need for approval from EVERYONE was something I struggled with all my life. Reality is, it is still a struggle. Let’s face it, the only people I am comfortable with asserting myself with is my honey and my kiddos. And yet even with them, there are times I bite my tongue more than they realize. Pretty sure that’s the same for you. Let’s face it, we are usually more direct with family. One of the things Todd loved about me is going along with whatever he wanted. It seems that everyone around us believes that I am the one controlling the decisions in our home and he loves it! He is a sneaky little thing! It just looks like it because I am the louder one trying to be heard from the bottom of the well. I’m not sure if you can relate to that scenario, but when it was me and a house full of boys, what I wanted was not important most of the time. Thus I coined my phrase “can you hear me from the bottom of the well”. Looking back, I created the situation. From the time we met, I doted on him and made sure that everything was perfect for him. The assertive nature has never been a part of me. I was more passive-aggressive which was not healthy. Sure I was taught from a young age to be confident, to care for others, etc. We were encouraged to be involved in the church including speaking, teaching, volunteering, and even singing (yes, with this awful voice I used to sing – oh my!). My forte was teaching littles because well… they loved me and I didn’t feel so inadequate. As I grew into adult ministries, I never felt qualified. As with anything new, trying too hard to please people and get them to like me and approve of me, I made mistakes which were some huge blunders! Raise your hand if you can relate. I’ll wait… I know there’s at least one or two of you who can. I am thankful for pastors that invested time in me to help bring out of this self-made shell. I will never forget the first time my pastor’s wife told me to write a Bible study… I almost fell over backward. Who am I to write a Bible study? With her help, my first and only (so far) Bible study on Hannah was written. It was a springboard for me to find my voice. This by no means indicates that my life was not good, or that I was unhappy, I just wished I had learned about being assertive in the proper way at a much earlier stage in my life. It would have helped with the quality of life I had as well as what I would have been able to give to Todd and the kiddos.
God knew what it would take for me to realize it was okay to be heard and how to make it happen correctly. Funny thing is, He used some of the most painful moments in my life to give me the wake-up call. Becoming an empty-nester was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. That is saying something because I have lost two moms, we lost everything we owned, and a lot more drama that does not need to be shared… We have faced some trials, yet, empty-nesting was in the top 2 of “OMGee, help me, LORD!” trials in life. Yep, no need to remind me. Weston is 23 and still living at home with no plans of moving out. We are as empty-nested as we will be. Without being a full-time mom, I had no idea what to do with myself. My entire life all I wanted was to be a wife and a mom… I had no idea this part was going to be so hard. My entire identity was wrapped up in being a mom. Everything I did revolved around Todd, the kids, and church. Did you read that? My entire identity revolved around the spouse and kids. Pretty sure this wasn’t supposed to be this way. Where is your identity founded? I have been a Christian all of my life. I did Bible studies, went to church, did all the things but never found my confidence because my identity was in the wrong place. Finding my voice, meant finding my place, finding me in Christ, and the realization that it was okay to be heard. It was not okay to be passive or to be a martyr. If you know me, surely you have seen the changes over the past 5 years or so. God used a little makeup business, and ironically, working for Todd (this makes me giggle so much!) to teach me to be assertive. Talk about an adjustment for Todd! Since starting What Really Matters and becoming certified family/marriage facilitators, I have learned how to be assertive in my relationship with him. It has even taught me how to express my thoughts with friends and co-workers standing up for myself without feeling like I was over-stepping. Say what?! That was so hard and it still is from time to time, so I just bite my tongue.
Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself and your rights, but you also must respect the rights and opinions of others. It is crucial in a romantic relationship to maintain your sense of your own identity; I DID NOT DO THIS. It is also important for the relationship to thrive and be healthy. It won’t be healthy if you cannot learn to express yourself assertively in a healthy manner. What generally happens is the passive-aggressive nature will stifle everything until KABOOM. Or you are overly aggressive because you think you are right about everything and you make sure everyone else knows it. My identity was founded in being a wife and a mom. Some days I was terrific and others, not so much and I was okay with it because that is part of being human. There is no way we can be expected to be perfect and yet here I was blaming myself for everything and having super high expectations of myself while ignoring my own needs. Being passive was easy. I was good at being the martyr. I could dismiss my wants, thoughts, desires, and allow others to disregard them. Funny thing is I would express my needs, feelings, and thoughts and just as quickly dismiss them. Did you read that? I DISMISSED THEM. It wasn’t an option for others around me to make a decision or to even be able to address it. I was to become the martyr. Once Todd pointed this out many years ago, l started growing and making changes. Just ask him how he feels about me being assertive now! Ha ha It has been an adjustment for him. At first, it was great because my confidence level was growing. My spiritual level was growing. And then I started telling him things that I wanted. Using tools we have learned along the way to have proper dialogue and not just one-sided blame game stuff. It has taken him some time to adjust. He loves it and he dislikes it very much. It is the best thing that has ever happened to our relationship.
Assertive people are self-starters, go-getters, self-controlled, self-assured, and team players. What? Being assertive means, you play well with others? Without the need of their approval? Yep. You can do it. Many tools can be used that will help you have an assertive voice and maintain your Christianity as well.
In Mark, it tells the story of the rich young man who came to Jesus. He was so proud of himself and was not going to be vulnerable he asked Jesus what he must do to be saved. Jesus saw him and everything that was important to him and addressed it. He looked at him and said in love “sell everything and give it to the poor and follow me”. He knew this young man’s life was all about the riches and nothing more. Jesus wasn’t saying he couldn’t have riches but that whatever consumed him is what he should give up. Notice how Jesus addresses him, “looked at him with love”. Jesus was loving, direct, and focused on his mission of redemption. This did not guarantee that this man’s response would be to repent and he didn’t. Jesus was loving, compassionate, and assertive in his response. Why is it so hard for us? Because we care too much about what other people think when we should care what our Father in Heaven says about us.
Being assertive does not guarantee success for you in direct conversations but it will greatly increase the likelihood that a genuine and authentic encounter will take place with your friends and your loved ones. It's not about finding your voice, it's about permitting yourself to use your voice through Him.
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