Over the past few years this meme has been going around: “On the darkest days, when I feel inadequate and unworthy, I remember whose daughter I am, and I straighten my crown.” And this is something that rocked my world. Calling a woman a queen is just not in who I am and I don’t do it. Aahhh but I do like knowing that I am the daughter of the King, which makes me a princess… so thus it’s okay for me to wear a crown. And you know what sealed the deal? When I learned that God put a crown on my head when he breathed life into me. Oh… now you have my attention! This crown He put on my head means I am not average or mediocre… I am royalty… I am a princess… I do represent His kingdom. Throw those shoulders back, lift that head high, and know that He is going before you… you have a red carpet before you to strut your stuff. What’ya gonna wear? Let’s get shopping ladies! We need that red carpet dress, shoes, jewelry… Ya feel me! We get to go shopping!
If you know me, you know that I cry. A lot. This body of mine is packed with a ridiculous amount of emotion and my emotions spill out in the form of tears. Lots of laughter as well but for this blog… we are focusing on the tears. If you don’t cry and need to borrow some tears, I’m sure I have buckets full you can have. Usually when I’m talking about my family and God the tears flow. Now, if I’m upset with you (well, any individual, not you exactly, I don’t even know you, why would I be upset with you?), you won’t see me cry. My face goes into something entirely altogether different. It takes everything I have not to become a volcano. You know that face where your eyes water, your nose turns red, it looks like you are going to cry? All the lava is going to be spewing outright through the top of your head! Right?! It really burns my britches that I do that because everyone thinks my feelings are hurt. But they aren’t. It’s just my way of trying not to pinch your fool head off. It seems that over the years I’ve learned not to respond in such a strong and heated way… Mind you not all the time because I mean, it is part of who I am.
However, there’s another side to me that I keep pretty well hidden from the world. It didn’t use to be hidden… it was on full display for all to see. The emotions emoting all over everyone in my path. Kind of like in that movie Inside Out. This side actually makes #Hottoddy happy because I get quiet (he doesn’t really like it but he sure enjoys me keeping my trap shut! Ha ha ha). He knows it’s not healthy so he encourages me to work through it. This is when I get to the point that I’m either so completely over what happened so “I’m done” (if you watch our videos you know what “I’m done” is all about) or so hurt by something that I shut down. It takes me time to process the situation. Generally, it is because whatever happened triggered something from my past. So I don’t want to talk about it or I just plaster on an “I’m okay” mask to the world so no one will know. This side isn’t my friend. When it gets to this point in my life, I have the very real possibility of going into a dark place, or I become filled with Hulk-like anger. There is no middle, just extreme on either side and it's an awful place to be. How do we get out of it when we get there? With a little help from our friends.
Let’s be real… no, I mean it… Let’s be real. So many times we are afraid to talk about our flaws, misgivings, and falling short. But how am I supposed to know that what I’m going through is something you go through if you pretend it never happens? Humans are flawed. Why would we expect perfection from others? Especially when we know we have failed on so many levels over the years. What if were to discuss our wins and our losses. We only want the world to see our good side. We can thank social media for that. What’s that? We can’t blame social media? Because before social media, we had magazines, tv, movies, music, and more to tell us how we didn’t measure up? There’s truth to that. How about the judgment from friends and family when we failed… or going to the church to share our failings only to find zero encouragement. All we get even now was “back in my day we didn’t do this”… “We didn’t get this done for us so why are we doing it for them”… Well… maybe because if we provide to someone else what we lacked, they won’t have to go through the same hell we went through.
A friend and I were discussing how important it was to share all the things in our lives, especially our mistakes and our growth. Especially when it is something spiritual. The problem is we are so concerned about what others will think about us that we refuse to share. OR we feel the judgment from everyone around us and don’t want to ask for help. During our “What Really Matter” Facebook lives, Todd and I share a lot of what we have gone through over the past 30+ years. We share good, bad, what worked, and what didn’t… do you know what we keep hearing? “Thank you for sharing… it is real. It makes me feel like I have hope. I’m not the only one that has those issues” (whatever issues it may be). Let. That. Sink. In. As far as they know, they are the only couple who has issues. Or she is the only mother/wife that has had days when she lost it over the kids and hubby. Or he is the only one that doesn’t want to come home because he had a bad day or he knows she had a bad day… If you are reading this and believe you have never been in this situation, that’s great, but please don’t cast your shade on the others that do. Let me be the first to raise my hand and say “I don’t have my stuff together… working on it tho… Wanna learn with me”.
Let me add that, while I understand we have our flaws and our crown slips from time to time, it is our responsibility to get it back up there and keep it pinned in place as much as possible. Contrary to what society wants you to believe, it is your responsibility for whatever is happening in your life. And when things are happening out of your control, you can respond correctly. Let’s face it, there are days life is going to throw a curveball at 120 mph and you are not ready for it. God didn’t create us to be happy with drama and a self-fulfilling prophecy of brokenness and drama. Now… back to what do we do? I only choose to share all the things with a select few ladies. To which I will add, not all of them get the same information. Of course, you know I’m gonna tell you to read your Bible, listen to praise/worship music, dance… do something that makes you happy. Talk to a friend and let them pray with you. Talk to your husband and ask him, as your covering, to pray for you. Let me tell you what is powerful… when you can tell your Hunny what’s what because you have learned to use the right communication tool. He is then prepared for what’s coming and will be able to respond accordingly without this huge kaboom taking place. Also, it means everything to him to know you expect him to be your covering. You will be surprised at how much he wants to help you straighten that crown when he isn’t being blamed and he is asked to help. When #Hottoddy and I were going through some exercises with our WRM small group, he answered one of the questions “she expects me to be her covering” as one of the things that meant the most to him about me. When I read that… it meant the world to me. He wants to be my covering. Sometimes they just need to know what-to-do. Hmmm… there goes that crown getting straightened a little more.
And then this started going around: “straighten a woman’s crown without letting anyone know it’s crooked”. Women are the queens of multi-tasking and sometimes we miss something, bend over to pick it up and the crown starts to slip. Wouldn’t it be nice if our friend reached over and said “let me pick that up for you”? I mean, I am eternally grateful when another woman helps me when I fall short. Well, if it’s done in the right way. So let’s discuss how we do this because it seems to me that this is another area I need to work on. You know… I’m always under construction.
How do we help our friends? Listen to them. Listen to them without judgment, without offering advice, without telling them what they should do… let them ask what they should do. This. Is. Hard. I am so preaching to myself right now. It is the hardest thing for me not to tell someone what they should be doing. I’ve been there. I know what you are going through. Ya feel me? I want you to quit doing the same stupid I used to do and to get it together. Yet, they may not want help. If they do, they’ll ask. If they don’t want help, pray for them to have wisdom, peace, and the ability to see what God wants them to see. If you have a friend that you try to help straighten their crown but they like it being crooked, then move on.
Recently, when I was in the midst of my internalizing, a friend texted me and asked “how are you doing today?”. She knew what I was going through without me saying anything. My response was “I’m not okay but I will be. I’m cleaning house and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing”… She called. She didn’t have all the answers but she listened. She was there for me. She wasn’t judgmental. She cared without condemnation. It helped me get through that hulk side much faster.
How do you straighten her crown?
· Stop talking about her. Find the good in her and talk about the good if someone talks about the bad. Change the subject. Talk with her directly and not behind her back. If she isn’t there to defend herself then just maybe the conversation shouldn’t be happening.
· Set a Foundation. Make sure she knows who you are and that she can count on you. Be there for her. Keep your word. You need to be the friend she is needing not just when it suits you.
· Tell the truth. Do not lie to them. If they are asking for advice… make sure they want the advice before giving it and then be honest. Not mean, not judgmental but honest.
· Encourage, Love, and support… we all can succeed. It’s not a ‘me against you’ world. We all have something to offer in different areas. God created us to succeed in the gifts He gave us. She deserves your support when she stumbles. We all deserve to grow and succeed together.
What other ways can you help fix another woman’s crown? I would love to hear your thoughts?
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