The Crazy Cycle – Love and Respect
Without love, she reacts; and without respect, he reacts. Respect is an expression of love. They work hand in hand. Why should you have to settle for just one? Several years ago, when my sons were teenagers, I posted on Facebook asking, “when will I ever get respect”? A family member commented, “when you’ve earned it”. Wow! What a sucker punch! It was not something I appreciated as I was already feeling terribly unloved and disrespected. Mind you I was the one that did EVERYTHING in our house. You know stuff like laundry, cleaning, groceries, cooking, being a wife and mom, plus church and work. What more could I have been doing to “earn” respect? What was missing? I mean, I was doing ALL the stuff. Let’s break it down.
Are you consistent? One of my biggest problems was inconsistency. You know how these politicians flip flop on all the stuff so we will vote for them? Yeah. That was me as a mom and wife. “You better do what is expected or there will be lots and lots of hell to pay” to “Oh honey, you can do whatever you as long as it makes you happy”. See the flip flop? I mean they should have been following the rules anyway but if I was inconsistent, how would they know which person they were supposed to listen to on any given day? It’s easy to blow someone off if you never know what is expected. But this is just the first problem… moving along we see the bigger problem was chaos reigning because our home was not in Biblical order. Ladies, it’s okay… submission is a good thing when it’s done right.
Oh, I was submissive, and he was leading. But really? Were we? Not exactly the way God intended. It was more he was letting me do all the work, blaming me for all the wrong stuff and then I stuffed everything inside me until I had a huge kaboom all over him. I most certainly didn’t feel loved and he didn’t feel respected. Was I showing respect to Todd? Sometimes but I mean if he wasn’t doing anything to earn it… Wait a minute? How did I feel when someone told me I had to earn it? Do I smell a double standard here? It just so happens I heard a sermon on the radio that said, “you have to respect your husband whether they deserve it or not”. WHAT?! I screamed so loud at the speakers in my car! How was I expected to show him respect if he didn’t show me he loved or respected me? (Oh yeah, you heard me… I want respect too! It’s not just a man thing) NOT FAIR! So, I brought this topic up to God in one of my prayer times. How could I be expected to show him respect and love when he was such a jerk? If he is okay with me being unhappy, even in tears, and not care at all. It’s NOT FAIR! That came out of my mouth a lot when talking with God. You know how your kids aren’t getting along and you have to talk to them about playing nice? And little Suzie keeps stomping her feet and saying, “but it’s not fair he gets to do it”. Right?! IT IS CONSTANT when they are little. Have you seen the photo on Facebook about the oversized t-shirt a mom put on her two kids because they were fighting? It was their “get along t-shirt”. Marriage is kind of like that… we have on a get along t-shirt so we can play nice. God was telling me to be nice even if Todd didn’t deserve it. I, however, was being a two-year-old and was throwing a temper tantrum. If I have to change then so did he. Hmmph. But you know, God is God and Father knows best, so He wins. My prayer was changed to “please show me how to do this because it’s a game I can’t play”. Trust me, I was in that prayer closet praying for Todd to change all the time. You know what it got me? Not what I wanted that’s for darn sure. This is what I heard every time, “first you need to change this”. It wasn’t any of my business how He was going to “fix” Todd nor was it any of my business as to when. Yeah, it’s like that. Every. Time.
We have instructions on being husband and wife if we were just to apply it. It’s the Bible. The manual to life. One person said, “yeah, but how do we even know what that means?”.It states specifically for a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Did Christ say we had to change and be perfect before he would love us enough to go to the cross? Nope. He loved us enough to get his hiney down to earth, be perfect, go through hell, and die on a cross. Sounds like men know what it should take to love their wives to me. If a husband doesn’t understand it, then he needs to study the life of Christ. A husband and wife to come in line with God’s order for the home. It is not about the husband lording over the mousey wife. It’s about a husband loving his wife enough to put her needs before his own. It’s about him listening to her concerns, wants, and needs. Let’s get another thing clear, showing respect to your husband, and being submissive does not mean I have to be a doormat. But being heard does not mean I get to nag him either. Proverbs says a nagging wife is like a dripping that never stops. Sounds to me like the hubby better fix the leak or call a plumber to get some help. He needs to lead and take action. He is the leader of the house after all. Husbands and wifes both need love and respect. I can tell you right now that I want to be respected. It matters to me that Todd and the kids respect me. I want my voice to be heard. This is my life to and I should have input. It’s important for me to hear them, especially Todd, say they are proud of me in all that I do including home, office, ministry, as a mom, and a wife. We are a team and we are wearing our get along t-shirt everywhere 24/7.
Ladies, if your actions toward your hubby show that you love him, but you do not respect him, it’s all for nothing. When he gets home do you kiss him, or do you immediately make the list of the things that need to change or to be done? Do you ask how work was? Do you even care what his work is? As a wife, we must make sure that our husband’s work is important to us and that we, get this, actually show interest? Find a way to consolidate his joy of his work with your joy with him. A man’s work is a big portion of who he is. Say What?! I know it’s boring to you, but it is where he spends the majority of his time bringing home the bacon. Yes, this goes both ways, but someone has to make the first move. It would be nice if it were the husband to make the changes for this crazy cycle since he is to be the leader of the home (said dripping with sarcasm because it’s true), but more often than not, ladies, we make the move and then God puts him into the role where he needs to be. The ultimate ego boost for your man is when you willingly and enthusiastically make love to him without counting the ceiling tiles or thinking of your list of chores to do the next day; and, make sure it is regularly. Pursue him, flirt with him, make him feel like a man, and have fun! If a man doesn’t feel respected, he’s destined to become insulting and mean-spirited even though they don’t want to be. It’s inherently part of their nature. Why feed that side of the beast? He will be who you want him to be over time – feed the part you want to grow. Love and respect. IT’S NOT FAIR! I hear you. I was there but it will get better. I promise!
He needs to be shown consideration and appreciation. Let him be the hero, it will do wonders for your relationship. Todd wants me to respect him, but he also wants to feel that I love him. He knows I respect him and honor him; and he knows I love him, now. ONLY Because I have worked hard changing me. It was a battle to give up “it’s not fair” to accomplish the change. The days he is being a patootie head I can still show respect and love without a blow-up. Well, I mean, I can most of the time. No one is perfect and you will get an occasional KABOOM. He knows I love him because I have learned to apply the 5 love languages and to respect him even if I believe he doesn’t deserve it. Only now, I can very proudly say, he does deserve it.
If you don't know what shows love and respect to your spouse, it's easy. Ask them. Each of you makes a list:
Makes me feel loved
Makes me feel respected
Makes me feel unloved
Makes me feel disrespected
This will go much easier for you if you do these steps:
1. Quit waiting for your partner to change before you do
2. Take responsibility for your actions. If what you say and do doesn’t show love and respect to your spouse, or line up with God’s word, quit beating around the bush. Own it and apologize.
3. Understand you both are flawed human beings and you cannot expect perfection.
4. Quit blaming your spouse for everything…
it’s her tone, it’s his words, if he/she wouldn’t have done this, etc.
you should have learned earlier in life, probably with your siblings,
that you cannot react to them, just smile, speak politely and move
on if they are egging on a fight.
Answer these 3 questions about your spouse…
1. Why do I negatively react to him/her?
2. How can I energize him/her to respond more positively?
3. What can I do when he/she continues to be negative while I am trying to be loving and respectful? Be honest with yourself about whether or not you are showing love and respect.
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